05:30 Squatch Men: Lifestyle

Squatch Returns from Martian Voyage as NASA’s Mars Rover Launches

Squatch Nation News: BREAKING

Does life exist beyond our small planet? Are ancient extraterrestrial life forms being kept in Area 51? Will Matt Damon actually one day travel to Mars? While these questions aren’t easy to answer, hopefully the launch of the Mars Rover exploration gets us one step closer to knowing the truth. 

But as explorers and adventurers ourselves, we can’t just sit around and wait for these answers until 2021 when Perseverance lands on the Red Planet. As a part of our ongoing mission for a fresher future, we set out on our own Martian voyage in an attempt to uncover some of the secrets floating through the galaxy–– and those hidden at Area 51. 

Squatch Nation Breaking News

Squatch Beat Nasa's Mars Rover to Mars

Squatch’s first words back on Earth were, “It’s hot up there, man!” And he mentioned riding back with some new friends: “When we touched down, they kind of just ran off…” 

We urge our readers to keep your eyes peeled as extraterrestrials may very well be out there…

Martian Briccs Found on Earth as Mars Rover Heads Toward Jezero Crater

NASA’s Perseverance Rover is set to collect samples and investigate the Red Planet for signs of life (past or present). But in recent days, “Mars Bars,” which seem to contain martian ingredients, have been found all over the globe – could extraterrestrial beings be sending us earthlings a message? 

“Super-natural soap?” one US official asks. “That’s preposterous!” But as more samples are found and examined, preposterous we think not. 

 

Initial findings show evidence of Martian materials in this strange specimen. Researchers are further investigating components like iron oxide, the compound that gives Mars its’ red color, and volcanic ash, possibly from Olympus Mons itself (the largest volcano in the solar system,* located on Mars). 

LEARN MORE

 

*For reference, Olympus Mons is three times taller than Mt. Everest, Earth’s highest mountain. 

Spotted: Aliens Scrubbing Down Miles from Area 51

We have heard reports that a group of extraterrestrials were recently seen “relaxing” in the Colorado River. Raft guides were reportedly leading a trip of tourists through a series of gnarly rapids when they came upon a rather strange sight. 

“We rounded a corner and there they were, six to eight little green guys wading by the sandbank, scrubbing themselves down with this purple-green stuff” said Ray, an experienced rafter and (prior) skeptic. The extraterrestrials then reportedly tossed Ray and his crew one of the swirling bars, which proved to be soap, and disappeared. “Just like that, they were gone. But we’ve been clean for days!”

Stay Tuned, Squatch Nation

Though we cannot give any definitive answers regarding extraterrestrial life at this time, we hope the spaceflight mission to Mars and the Perseverance rover uncover some ancient truths. These answers are up-in-the-air (sorry), but at this time what we do know is that these briccs could point to signs of the existence of other life forms, and may help us uncover more about how to live alongside them when the day comes. 

We will continue our intergalacticc exploration and help to prepare humankind for encounters with any forms of life (terrestrial or otherwise). 

Stay tuned, Squatch Nation. 

SHOP INTERGALACTICC FRESHNESS

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